..and in this moment I am happy.. happy.

I have this movie I made last night in Kissimmee. It's about a wild ass night. It's called "Dude where's my wallet?" I got back home tonight and knocked out. Besides the obvious, it put shit in perspective. Gave me the 'two tears and a bucket, fuck it' attitude I been missing out on. The voice won but it wasn't a battle. More like a peace treaty. Imma have fun, fuck bitches with no rubber and all of that. lmao

NOW I have no apartment. My rent money was in that wallet. Ahhhh it feels so good when the decision is made for you.

Fuck it!!!!

I did something I was very proud of though. One by one, I'm cutting off mad bitches I have no business being with. Relationship or relations. Starting with this main chick. I've never done this to her before so I was very proud. She came to my house, fucked up might I add, and told me we getting even more fucked up. We talked and I already know what she wanted from me. She had a man that I always knew about and he ain't know I was getting down with his girl. I don't know what got into me, but before we got into anything, I asked her to kindly leave my apartment. I was so proud of myself. I felt like I had gained a victory in some kind of battle with myself. Even afterwards, she pretty much threw herself at me. I closed the car door on her and told her to go home. Ahhhhhh another thing that just makes me breathe easier. I'm starting to listen to hip hop a lot again. But like that feel good music. Life just feels good right now. Even though I'm stressing hardbody. Fuck it, don't stress.

Very smooth and still awesome. It's about an acid trip but you can hardly tell. It's just so beautiful because that's how I feel. And I just wish you were here. lawl

The world's a roller coaster
And I am not strapped in
Maybe I should hold with care
But my hands are busy in the air

peace, love, and nappiness.

One for the now and eleven for the later

I take my time. I rush things.
The choice is mines. I'm indecisive.
I hate love. I love hate.
I'm grown. I'm a baby.
I do evil. I feel good.
I've learned a lot. I have a lot to learn.
Winning is unpleasant. It's fun to lose.
I'm imprisoned. I don't wanna escape.
I'm ugly. I have high self esteem.
I'm beautiful. I loathe myself.
Life is a privilege. Death is inevitable.
I aim for success. I prepare for failure.
I can't get over where I've been. I don't know where I'm at.
I lie about being honest therefore I'm honest about lying.
I stand up against injustice. I have bad posture.
I have a caring heart. I also have a delinquent mind.
I appreciate your concerns. I don't need your accommodations.
My faith is weak. My knowledge is growing.
I am what I don't want to be. I want to be what I can't be.
I am the apprentice. I am the master.
I am the flaws and the perfection.
I am the rights, the wrongs
the good, the bad
the holy, the evil
myself and myself
I'm worst at what I do best.


peace, love, and nappiness.

Test... your might

Lol I KNOW yall remember this shit from the movie. My step brother started playing it and me and my little brother started dancing and I was doing kung fu moves in a silly fashion and we were kung fu fighting. It was hilarious. Then my brother got behind my step brother and pretended to be the four armed guy that fights Johnny Cage in the movie. It was a fucking parody. At the end my step bro said "Finish him" and I pretended to snap my brothers neck. It feels good to spend time with my family.



So here's something I put together just now. I'm tired of preaching to woman that all guys are NOT the same. So lemme show you the parallels.

You look for bright spots where the sun don't shine
Watching heart theft and say they've done no crime
When he comes to give you his, you pay dun no mind
As you throw it in his face, I'll tell you "hun don't whine"
Don't step with bullshit and crying because your so sick of trying
But he's legit and trying, and yet you still deny him
It's like your addicted to pain, can't go to AA meetings
And you stick with your man when we say they cheating
Withdrawals
Git's spoiled
Think he's got you strung out, since the first time you hung out
You never had one doubt, you took the fuckin dumb route
And then when you find out, you wanna call time out
So you can spend some time out..
In open waters
So you
Blow my phone up, get my bone up
Relationships are slaughtered
Hope for no son or daughters
Well...
At this point...
I see insecurities, don't think you can endure with me
Unfiltered purity, selfish wants as priorities
You were looking for them in the darkest of rooms
When the lights turned on that's when your heart suffered wounds
Don't look at me, it don't say paramedic on my shirt
I don't own a first aid kit, I expect to cause 'her' no hurt

I've decided to not make my lyrics so self explanatory. They are not hard to get when they are written for you. I just threw this together cuz I was thinkin' of an argument with a chick who keeps crying to me when shit when her man goes wrong and I've been tryna tell her from day one she deserve better but if she wasting time with this nigga, better is gunna find best. Please ladies, don't say all guys are the same, ya'll are just attracted to the same kind of asshole. You do it to yourselves. smh

peace, love, and nappiness.

FUCK IT ALL AND NO REGRETS!

I have been incarcerated from September 1st till September 22nd. My P.O. decided it would be cool to fuck me (no Vaseline). I was a tamed lion put back in his habitat. Your forced to be. Especially when your as small as me... your the first one to be fucked with. Fucking cowards. Don't worry by the time I left, motherfuckers was bringing me commissary and doing me favors. The way I did it made me disappointed in myself. I had put the thorned crown on my head again. But like I said, you put an animal in his old habitat and he picks up old habits. It came to the point that I started to tell myself that it wouldn't be bad living here, just two things were missing: a radio and vagina. Yeah, I was actually starting to accept the fact that that was my home and embracing my surroundings and the people in it. Well anyway, the ending result was my probation was terminated, I owe the court more money, my license was suspended AGAIN, and I'm behind on my bills due to not working.

However, I learned and re-learned a couple of things:

The only people that got your back is your family.

Florida is a shitty state.

I am a MUCH better player at cards and chess.

I kept a memoir of what happened day by day and my thoughts. I am going to revise it, take out the unnecessary details and post it. I let out alot of emotions on those pieces of paper. You have nothing but time so that was one of my ways of consuming it. Call it a jail-blog. lol

My new focus is financially. Now I'm behind on rent. I'm debating if I wanna struggle to pay my rent and risk going to jail again cuz I couldn't pay my court fees, or if I should break the lease and owe them assloads of money. Roughly 2 g's and I won't be able to rent till I pay that off. Goddamn problems. I guess Imma have to do what I dreaded doing and that's...ugh rolling over. I went to the GED guy and Imma take the test and...sigh go to college. >=l I hate to sit here and bore you with my misery. I wish I could say positive things and happy thoughts. There has just not been ONE fucking bright spot in my month. Well I still got both my jobs at LEAST.

This song reminded me of my experience, mainly because it was filmed in San Quentin and I felt like it was speaking directly to me. The words in the beginning are Lars Ulrich counting to 4 in Dutch. Song is from their CRAPPIEST album but it is still a good song.

peace, love, and nappiness.

Peace sells... but who's buying?

I've realized I may say things that offend people.

When I say I've realized, I mean "DUH".

Whaddya mean I don't believe in God?

I talk to him everyday

Whaddya mean I don't support your system?

I go to court when I HAVE to.

Whaddya mean I can't get to work on time?

I got nothing better to do

Whaddya mean I don't pay my bills?

Whaddya think I'm broke?

HUH!?!

If there's a new wayyy..

I'll be the first in line..

but it better work this time..


Whaddya mean I hurt your feelings?

Didn't know you had any feelings.

Whaddya mean I ain't kind?

Just not your kind.

Whaddya mean I could be the president

..of the United States of America?

Tell me something.. it's still WE the people..

RIGHT?!?!

If there's a new wayyy..

I'll be the first in line..

but it better work this time..

Thoughts.

I decided to come to my mom's house and go online instead of smoking a blunt with my patnah in my house.

She misses me now that I'm gone but is annoyed when I visit.

Hip Hop IS dead... to me at least.

I've grown fond of Earth, Wind, and Fire.

The new blog title means absolutely nothing. It is merely a contradiction.

War is a sport.

Ladies... I don't want much from a woman. Just the same thing you want. Happiness.

Businesses advertise their price. Doesn't matter what they're selling. Its cheap.

I took a practice GED test. The man said I didn't need to take his class. I was at college level. He then asked me why I didn't finish high school. I replied,"I got locked up." =/

I've realized that love

...is a goal.
...is impossible.
...stinks.
...can wait.

My past relationships were meaningless. Based on sex. (except one) It slapped me in the face so hard I went celebant for a while.... but then my birthday came.

I think I have a warrant out for my arrest but I'm not sure. If I dont, I should be off probation in October.

I cut my hair. I get so much more female attention... it bums me out really.

I used to like to explain in detail. Now I let people read between the lines. I'm used to it already.

There is some deep meaning behind everything I'm saying.

Go find it, or don't. Whatever...

Work is great.

The only bill I wanna see is the Bill Of Rights.

I'm not as smart as people think I am... apparently common sense isn't so common.

Metal isn't demonic music. They all have a subject and song context. (Something hiphop nowadays is lacking) Different ones too. Not bling bling and cha ching in every song. In fact, the metal I listen to talk about shit me and you go through daily. I hate stereotypes.

Metallica - The Unforgiven

The song is about a man who never really takes advantage of certain situations, never really takes chances. Then, later on in his life, he regrets not having done anything with his life, so he dubs the rest of the world the 'unforgiven'.

- James Hetfield

There's more to it. A part 2 and 3 to the song along with a theatrical version of the video. The lyrics are also one of the most moving pieces of music I've ever heard. And note how unlike other metal ballads, the chorus is slow, melodic, and played with classical guitars and the verse are heavy with some of the heaviest chord progressions on that album. One of their most famous songs.

They have never made a satan worshipping song.

Learn from this song, we have only ONE life.

I still have bad dreams.

Never burn a bridge unless you never wanna cross it.

Calling someone your friend is like guessing the sex of a tranny.

The Magic will take it this year.

I'm attracted to someone who I already know is bad for my health. I need a distraction.

She works with me.

I'm not sure when I will quit writing this blog.

I'm still writing. My boy Jeff is lyrically insane.

He has a studio.

I put my self in a hole to help someone get out of one.

I still don't pray unless I'm desperate.

I'm still waiting for that day... the melt/break/countdown.

I have a lot of new pieces to my rage collection.

I've had my first pill/tattoo/fight where my weapon of choice was a golf club since my last blog entry.

I robbed rental world in Kissimmee.

I've told my mom I love her more than I used to.

When I think of my dad I just @#%$!^&.

I miss my grandma.

I used to look up to my aunt. Now I pity her. That's funny.

My past actions STILL haunt me.

The only thing stopping me from leaving everything behind is my lease.

The only thing that got me where I'm at is myself.

I've tried pointing the finger but there's no one around.

Panic.

I really think I'm gunna wig out. I'm having bad dreams. Not scary dreams of Freddy Crueger n shit. Like in my dreams I'm being chased or runnin from something, and while I'm asleep I'm conscious of why I'm runnin, but when I wake up, I cant remember what the purpose of me runnin was. It's crazy, but there's something bothering me, very, very, very deeply, and I don't know what. It's following me in my sleep and I cant tell what it is, unless I'm asleep. I'm actually holding back tears as I type this, tears of fear. Fear of how I never let anything really emotionally bother me, or at least let them or it know it was, and now it's hurting me without me realizing it or knowing what it is. That scares me. Maybe it has something to do with these walls I've had up all these years. Maybe when I spoke of controlling emotions, I was just speaking on how to mask them by not thinkin about them. Maybe this is the result of a sober me. Maybe it's lonliness from livin on my own. Come to think of it, I have been visiting my mom's house more than usual. Nah cant be. Maybe it's me not being able to emotionally connect with someone special. Every girl that I ever felt was special, I ruined it by putting those walls up. Maybe all these years of walls and bottled up emotions are finally getting to me. Maybe that's what's been chasing me. No. It was someone I knew. Something that I didnt settle with someone is bothering me. Maybe it's the yellows. Everytime I think of that day, I have horrible visions of me doing horrible things. I've had notions of getting a ratchet. I hear they are at a state of weakness and I know a couple of dudes that want payback. But that aint the act of a king and no matter what I still hold my crown in my heart. But I am not mentally ok. I am unwillingly chasing bad things and bad consequences are chasing me back. But I havent done nothin wrong yet. All I do is work and hang out. Have a beer or two here and there. But that's it. I feel like a caged animal in tranquility. Calm until the door opens. It's like there's a quiet before the storm but I'm in a sailboat screamin',"Bring it on Neptune!" But I have no idea what I'm in for. Maybe the difference is that I am actully having dreams. I have had thoughts, and this is definitely NOT how I wanna live my life. I hear about people going to college and getting ready to get degrees in shit that sounds like them becoming a higher class slave to society. I don't wanna do that. I wanna make music, art, peace, love. I wanna start a revolution of change but I dont wanna be Obama. I look up at the stars and see Orions Belt, and think... I wanna do something so amazing that even after a millenia of me being gone from this world, all people have to do is look up and know who I am. Maybe that's what it is. I have a dream. I dont wanna rollover and get a 6 figure job and call my life a success. No. I wanna be someone who took the world one step away from the madness that its spiraling in. I gotta spiral out of my own madness first, but you cant give a cure if you dont know the illness. I need some soulsearching, some guidance, a revelation, somethin. God throw me a friggin bone, for the love of all that is right. That is my next mission, finding out what is bothering me. I've gotta dig deep inside myself and find out what is wrong with me. I'm not gonna be this miserable mess forever. I've got dreams of greatness and I aint lettin my mental defects hold me back.

I aint get a chance to squeeze it in here but I told someone I would fully explain a wierd dream. I'm buggin cuz I never really had dreams. Every now and then I would and they would be regular stupid shit. But now I'm having bugged ass dreams. Well this one I had last night, it starts off, I'm in a 'concert' with my fams, cept its set in like an auditorium. The type you would have your fifth grade play in. Fully lit and it's a hardcore rapper singin 80's groove songs. Pow? Anyway, I take a glance across the audience and see Maria (from Maria's bloggie lol) with some friends, and I pull out a 40 oz. and get drunk as fuck. So now I'm parading around the audience acting drunk as fuck. (everyone was seated) I'm wearing a hoodie with some rugged jeans and timbalands and a beanie hat, you know, one of the ones you see your average NY hoodlum with. Meanwhile everyone else is dressed up. So I look like an ass. The concert ends and we are all exiting into a rich guys mansion. This guy is so snobby that he collects extremely exotic and expensive fish and buys them EACH a 40 gallon tank and as I'm walkin past these tanks, these fish stick their heads out and start sayin shit to me. It drives me insane and I put my hands over my ears and run out the house. And for some reason I fly off. Like some Peter Pan shit, I just decide to take off on pure pixie dust n shit. I wake up sweating... let's see what happens when I go to sleep tonight. I don't want to, but I gotta work tommorrow so I must. Sigh.

peace, love, n nappiness

Biggie-Biggie-Biggie Smalls is the illest

I figured I'd do 4 more right now to get em out the way.

This track is also produced by Primo. I love the sounds he used, and when the beat drops and you hear Biggie, "Live from Bedford Stuyverson, the livest one, representin BK to the fullest", you cant help but start noddin ya muthafucking head. Not Big's best lyrical performance, but the beat kept it alive. Kudos Primo. Here is "Unbelievable" off of "Ready To Die" in '94.

This song is what puts Biggie under classic hip hop. His ability to story tell. "I Got A Story To Tell" is about him in bed with a girl and her husband gets home while he's still there. Crazy. This was probably Biggie's best aspect, was his story telling ability. Here's "I Got A Story To Tell" off of his '97 "Life After Death. Production by Buckwild and Chucky Thompson.

She giggled, saying I'm smokin on homegrown

Then I heard a moan, "Honey I'm home"

Yep, tote chrome for situations like this

I'm up in his broad, I know he won't like this

Now I'm like bitch, you better talk to em

Before the fifth put a spark to em

Alot of people know this intro.

When I die, fuck it I wanna go to hell

Cuz Im a piece a shit, it aint hard to fuckin tell

It dont make sense goin to heaven with the goodie goodies

Dressed in white, I like black Timbs and black hoodies

God'll probly have me on some real strict shit

No sleepin all day, no gettin my dick licked

Hangin with the goodie goodies, loungin in paradise

Fuck that, I wanna tote guns and shoot dice

Produced by Lord Finesse off his '94 "Ready To Die" is "Suicidal Thoughts". Which starts off him contemplating suicide to Puffy over the phone and then commiting suicide. Once again, his ability to story tell is remarkable.

Definitely a HOOD CLASSIC. Sampled from "Between The Sheets" by The Isley Brothers. Wow I would throw ALL the mothafucking lyrics but you should know em already.

Straight up honey, really I'm askin

Most of these niggaz think they be mackin

But they be actin, who they attractin

With that line? What's yo name? What's yo sign?

As soon as he by that wine

I just creep up from behind

And ask you what yo interests are

Who you be with? things that make you smile

What numbers to dial? You gone be here for a while?

Chorus: I love it when ya call me Big Poppa.

Throw ya hands in tha air if yous a true playa

I love it when you call me Big Poppa

To my honeys gettin money, playin niggaz like dummys

I love it when you call me Big Poppa

You got a gun up in ya waist? Please dont shoot up the place. "Why?"

Cuz I see some ladies tonight, that should be havin my baby, baby

Off of "Ready To Die" and produced by Puffy and Chuck Thompson is "Big Poppa".

peace, love, and nappiness

Time for Bush to pay me beoch!!

Ahhhhh, the time of the year that I hope doesn't suck as much as last year. Well the Giants winning the SuperBowl was great, but my tax return sucked. But I worked 2 jobs this year, so hopefully I can get enough to buy a car. Oh man, then all hell is gonna break loose. Cuz SkitSoFrenic is back on the road, got my liscence reinstated beoch. But shit, I realize, I think some fucked up thoughts. Like some of the shit I think of is pretty fucked up. You gotta catch me thinkin out loud to know what I'm talking about. Like they're like politically, morally, and ethically FUCKED UP thoughts. Not so much cruel, just cynical, "that's fucked up" thoughts. And I'm not trying to think negative or anything, it's just... Well I used to think good things at a magnified level, and I was surrounded by negativity. And now that things are getting better, I think fucked up shit, and sure enough, shit just seems to get better. Maybe its because my brain is so used to fucked up shit, that when something remotely good happens, it seems like the best things in the world.

Instead of naturally enjoying the little things in life, I'm forcing myself to.

I scare myself sometimes.

My promise=countdown of the 15 best Biggie songs in no specific order till the movie comes out. First is "10 Crack Commandments". It's his ten rules of dealing drugs n shit. Produced by none other than DJ Premier. Primo was GOD on this track. His scratches and Chuck D samples all over this track were fucking awesome. Definite classic. Cant a nigga know Biggie and NOT know this song. Fuck that, they cant know New York rap without knowing this song.

peace, love, and nappiness.