Panic.

I really think I'm gunna wig out. I'm having bad dreams. Not scary dreams of Freddy Crueger n shit. Like in my dreams I'm being chased or runnin from something, and while I'm asleep I'm conscious of why I'm runnin, but when I wake up, I cant remember what the purpose of me runnin was. It's crazy, but there's something bothering me, very, very, very deeply, and I don't know what. It's following me in my sleep and I cant tell what it is, unless I'm asleep. I'm actually holding back tears as I type this, tears of fear. Fear of how I never let anything really emotionally bother me, or at least let them or it know it was, and now it's hurting me without me realizing it or knowing what it is. That scares me. Maybe it has something to do with these walls I've had up all these years. Maybe when I spoke of controlling emotions, I was just speaking on how to mask them by not thinkin about them. Maybe this is the result of a sober me. Maybe it's lonliness from livin on my own. Come to think of it, I have been visiting my mom's house more than usual. Nah cant be. Maybe it's me not being able to emotionally connect with someone special. Every girl that I ever felt was special, I ruined it by putting those walls up. Maybe all these years of walls and bottled up emotions are finally getting to me. Maybe that's what's been chasing me. No. It was someone I knew. Something that I didnt settle with someone is bothering me. Maybe it's the yellows. Everytime I think of that day, I have horrible visions of me doing horrible things. I've had notions of getting a ratchet. I hear they are at a state of weakness and I know a couple of dudes that want payback. But that aint the act of a king and no matter what I still hold my crown in my heart. But I am not mentally ok. I am unwillingly chasing bad things and bad consequences are chasing me back. But I havent done nothin wrong yet. All I do is work and hang out. Have a beer or two here and there. But that's it. I feel like a caged animal in tranquility. Calm until the door opens. It's like there's a quiet before the storm but I'm in a sailboat screamin',"Bring it on Neptune!" But I have no idea what I'm in for. Maybe the difference is that I am actully having dreams. I have had thoughts, and this is definitely NOT how I wanna live my life. I hear about people going to college and getting ready to get degrees in shit that sounds like them becoming a higher class slave to society. I don't wanna do that. I wanna make music, art, peace, love. I wanna start a revolution of change but I dont wanna be Obama. I look up at the stars and see Orions Belt, and think... I wanna do something so amazing that even after a millenia of me being gone from this world, all people have to do is look up and know who I am. Maybe that's what it is. I have a dream. I dont wanna rollover and get a 6 figure job and call my life a success. No. I wanna be someone who took the world one step away from the madness that its spiraling in. I gotta spiral out of my own madness first, but you cant give a cure if you dont know the illness. I need some soulsearching, some guidance, a revelation, somethin. God throw me a friggin bone, for the love of all that is right. That is my next mission, finding out what is bothering me. I've gotta dig deep inside myself and find out what is wrong with me. I'm not gonna be this miserable mess forever. I've got dreams of greatness and I aint lettin my mental defects hold me back.

I aint get a chance to squeeze it in here but I told someone I would fully explain a wierd dream. I'm buggin cuz I never really had dreams. Every now and then I would and they would be regular stupid shit. But now I'm having bugged ass dreams. Well this one I had last night, it starts off, I'm in a 'concert' with my fams, cept its set in like an auditorium. The type you would have your fifth grade play in. Fully lit and it's a hardcore rapper singin 80's groove songs. Pow? Anyway, I take a glance across the audience and see Maria (from Maria's bloggie lol) with some friends, and I pull out a 40 oz. and get drunk as fuck. So now I'm parading around the audience acting drunk as fuck. (everyone was seated) I'm wearing a hoodie with some rugged jeans and timbalands and a beanie hat, you know, one of the ones you see your average NY hoodlum with. Meanwhile everyone else is dressed up. So I look like an ass. The concert ends and we are all exiting into a rich guys mansion. This guy is so snobby that he collects extremely exotic and expensive fish and buys them EACH a 40 gallon tank and as I'm walkin past these tanks, these fish stick their heads out and start sayin shit to me. It drives me insane and I put my hands over my ears and run out the house. And for some reason I fly off. Like some Peter Pan shit, I just decide to take off on pure pixie dust n shit. I wake up sweating... let's see what happens when I go to sleep tonight. I don't want to, but I gotta work tommorrow so I must. Sigh.

peace, love, n nappiness