My consience is KILLING ME. I was doing so good. My mom cried her heart out. The people that were supporting me and keeping me in a positive direction felt that I let them down and some are even cutting themselves off from me. And I think to myself, "That is so cold. Don't they know how much I am suffering right now?" But I suppose I deserve it. That's how depressed I've been. I've stayed in the house all day since then. Started smoking cigarettes, again. Yuck!!! But I've been driven to it. And I'm scared to go outside again. Scared of temptation. Man, she's a bitch. Been inside all day doing online school, battling, and watching daytime television. Sine my hire date has been pushed up to August 4th due to incarceration, Law & Order, Scrubs, and The Office are great shows that have entertained me. But yeah. I'm trying to move on from this. Thinking positive thoughts helps, so I've been told. It's crazy how she's the only one that notices me suffering from this. Everyone else looks at me with dissapointment but act as if I wanted to dissappoint them. She is the ONLY one that has tried to comfort me. I'm sure Amy would too but we haven't really talked about it. She wants me to call and I think it will help. No matter what goes on in this world, her words always make me feel better about stuff. I have no idea why. Maybe its her tone or what she says, but she makes things not seem so bad.
I called her, you know Ms. uhmm yeah, while I was locked up. I could only remember a limited amount of numbers and hers was the only one that picked up. It was good to hear her voice while in there. She's probably reading this and knows who she is, but fuck it, how I feel is how I feel. She helped me out when I needed it. Even though my mom had already found out somehow, she delivered the message. Thanks.
I recently found out that I have multiple fans. They like reading my stuff, mostly when I'm talking about things that don't really involve myself. Like when I speak on things in general. And they like my lyrics/poetry. So Imma give em what they want. This was a poem I had to do for online class. I had to write it as if I was part of Anne Bradstreets book "The Scarlet Letter". It's about adultery and lust and all that jazz. Not really my best content but I tried to emphasize the rhyme scheme. Enjoy.
When I respond, my word is bond
sins can be heard along the verbs of songs
Because adultery
are the results of weak,
doesn’t take much to see that love is free
But those oppose,
up shows to pose
and want to bruise minds like blows to nose
But to ere is human, yet despair is ruthless
and lying mouths are impaired till toothless
To hear the truth is
weird, but truth is
Hester Prynne, confessed to sin and she rued it
But one can’t see
that some can’t be
with just one man, see
But is this one man seen?
No, none can seem too blunt and bleek
It seems her heart indefinitely hunts and seeks
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