Panic.

I really think I'm gunna wig out. I'm having bad dreams. Not scary dreams of Freddy Crueger n shit. Like in my dreams I'm being chased or runnin from something, and while I'm asleep I'm conscious of why I'm runnin, but when I wake up, I cant remember what the purpose of me runnin was. It's crazy, but there's something bothering me, very, very, very deeply, and I don't know what. It's following me in my sleep and I cant tell what it is, unless I'm asleep. I'm actually holding back tears as I type this, tears of fear. Fear of how I never let anything really emotionally bother me, or at least let them or it know it was, and now it's hurting me without me realizing it or knowing what it is. That scares me. Maybe it has something to do with these walls I've had up all these years. Maybe when I spoke of controlling emotions, I was just speaking on how to mask them by not thinkin about them. Maybe this is the result of a sober me. Maybe it's lonliness from livin on my own. Come to think of it, I have been visiting my mom's house more than usual. Nah cant be. Maybe it's me not being able to emotionally connect with someone special. Every girl that I ever felt was special, I ruined it by putting those walls up. Maybe all these years of walls and bottled up emotions are finally getting to me. Maybe that's what's been chasing me. No. It was someone I knew. Something that I didnt settle with someone is bothering me. Maybe it's the yellows. Everytime I think of that day, I have horrible visions of me doing horrible things. I've had notions of getting a ratchet. I hear they are at a state of weakness and I know a couple of dudes that want payback. But that aint the act of a king and no matter what I still hold my crown in my heart. But I am not mentally ok. I am unwillingly chasing bad things and bad consequences are chasing me back. But I havent done nothin wrong yet. All I do is work and hang out. Have a beer or two here and there. But that's it. I feel like a caged animal in tranquility. Calm until the door opens. It's like there's a quiet before the storm but I'm in a sailboat screamin',"Bring it on Neptune!" But I have no idea what I'm in for. Maybe the difference is that I am actully having dreams. I have had thoughts, and this is definitely NOT how I wanna live my life. I hear about people going to college and getting ready to get degrees in shit that sounds like them becoming a higher class slave to society. I don't wanna do that. I wanna make music, art, peace, love. I wanna start a revolution of change but I dont wanna be Obama. I look up at the stars and see Orions Belt, and think... I wanna do something so amazing that even after a millenia of me being gone from this world, all people have to do is look up and know who I am. Maybe that's what it is. I have a dream. I dont wanna rollover and get a 6 figure job and call my life a success. No. I wanna be someone who took the world one step away from the madness that its spiraling in. I gotta spiral out of my own madness first, but you cant give a cure if you dont know the illness. I need some soulsearching, some guidance, a revelation, somethin. God throw me a friggin bone, for the love of all that is right. That is my next mission, finding out what is bothering me. I've gotta dig deep inside myself and find out what is wrong with me. I'm not gonna be this miserable mess forever. I've got dreams of greatness and I aint lettin my mental defects hold me back.

I aint get a chance to squeeze it in here but I told someone I would fully explain a wierd dream. I'm buggin cuz I never really had dreams. Every now and then I would and they would be regular stupid shit. But now I'm having bugged ass dreams. Well this one I had last night, it starts off, I'm in a 'concert' with my fams, cept its set in like an auditorium. The type you would have your fifth grade play in. Fully lit and it's a hardcore rapper singin 80's groove songs. Pow? Anyway, I take a glance across the audience and see Maria (from Maria's bloggie lol) with some friends, and I pull out a 40 oz. and get drunk as fuck. So now I'm parading around the audience acting drunk as fuck. (everyone was seated) I'm wearing a hoodie with some rugged jeans and timbalands and a beanie hat, you know, one of the ones you see your average NY hoodlum with. Meanwhile everyone else is dressed up. So I look like an ass. The concert ends and we are all exiting into a rich guys mansion. This guy is so snobby that he collects extremely exotic and expensive fish and buys them EACH a 40 gallon tank and as I'm walkin past these tanks, these fish stick their heads out and start sayin shit to me. It drives me insane and I put my hands over my ears and run out the house. And for some reason I fly off. Like some Peter Pan shit, I just decide to take off on pure pixie dust n shit. I wake up sweating... let's see what happens when I go to sleep tonight. I don't want to, but I gotta work tommorrow so I must. Sigh.

peace, love, n nappiness

Biggie-Biggie-Biggie Smalls is the illest

I figured I'd do 4 more right now to get em out the way.

This track is also produced by Primo. I love the sounds he used, and when the beat drops and you hear Biggie, "Live from Bedford Stuyverson, the livest one, representin BK to the fullest", you cant help but start noddin ya muthafucking head. Not Big's best lyrical performance, but the beat kept it alive. Kudos Primo. Here is "Unbelievable" off of "Ready To Die" in '94.

This song is what puts Biggie under classic hip hop. His ability to story tell. "I Got A Story To Tell" is about him in bed with a girl and her husband gets home while he's still there. Crazy. This was probably Biggie's best aspect, was his story telling ability. Here's "I Got A Story To Tell" off of his '97 "Life After Death. Production by Buckwild and Chucky Thompson.

She giggled, saying I'm smokin on homegrown

Then I heard a moan, "Honey I'm home"

Yep, tote chrome for situations like this

I'm up in his broad, I know he won't like this

Now I'm like bitch, you better talk to em

Before the fifth put a spark to em

Alot of people know this intro.

When I die, fuck it I wanna go to hell

Cuz Im a piece a shit, it aint hard to fuckin tell

It dont make sense goin to heaven with the goodie goodies

Dressed in white, I like black Timbs and black hoodies

God'll probly have me on some real strict shit

No sleepin all day, no gettin my dick licked

Hangin with the goodie goodies, loungin in paradise

Fuck that, I wanna tote guns and shoot dice

Produced by Lord Finesse off his '94 "Ready To Die" is "Suicidal Thoughts". Which starts off him contemplating suicide to Puffy over the phone and then commiting suicide. Once again, his ability to story tell is remarkable.

Definitely a HOOD CLASSIC. Sampled from "Between The Sheets" by The Isley Brothers. Wow I would throw ALL the mothafucking lyrics but you should know em already.

Straight up honey, really I'm askin

Most of these niggaz think they be mackin

But they be actin, who they attractin

With that line? What's yo name? What's yo sign?

As soon as he by that wine

I just creep up from behind

And ask you what yo interests are

Who you be with? things that make you smile

What numbers to dial? You gone be here for a while?

Chorus: I love it when ya call me Big Poppa.

Throw ya hands in tha air if yous a true playa

I love it when you call me Big Poppa

To my honeys gettin money, playin niggaz like dummys

I love it when you call me Big Poppa

You got a gun up in ya waist? Please dont shoot up the place. "Why?"

Cuz I see some ladies tonight, that should be havin my baby, baby

Off of "Ready To Die" and produced by Puffy and Chuck Thompson is "Big Poppa".

peace, love, and nappiness

Time for Bush to pay me beoch!!

Ahhhhh, the time of the year that I hope doesn't suck as much as last year. Well the Giants winning the SuperBowl was great, but my tax return sucked. But I worked 2 jobs this year, so hopefully I can get enough to buy a car. Oh man, then all hell is gonna break loose. Cuz SkitSoFrenic is back on the road, got my liscence reinstated beoch. But shit, I realize, I think some fucked up thoughts. Like some of the shit I think of is pretty fucked up. You gotta catch me thinkin out loud to know what I'm talking about. Like they're like politically, morally, and ethically FUCKED UP thoughts. Not so much cruel, just cynical, "that's fucked up" thoughts. And I'm not trying to think negative or anything, it's just... Well I used to think good things at a magnified level, and I was surrounded by negativity. And now that things are getting better, I think fucked up shit, and sure enough, shit just seems to get better. Maybe its because my brain is so used to fucked up shit, that when something remotely good happens, it seems like the best things in the world.

Instead of naturally enjoying the little things in life, I'm forcing myself to.

I scare myself sometimes.

My promise=countdown of the 15 best Biggie songs in no specific order till the movie comes out. First is "10 Crack Commandments". It's his ten rules of dealing drugs n shit. Produced by none other than DJ Premier. Primo was GOD on this track. His scratches and Chuck D samples all over this track were fucking awesome. Definite classic. Cant a nigga know Biggie and NOT know this song. Fuck that, they cant know New York rap without knowing this song.

peace, love, and nappiness.

"Two sides to the coin, who you rollin wit? Soulja Boy or Ice T?" - Joe Budden

Oh no this nigga didn't. Basically what he is saying, is that because Nas came out with his hip hop is dead album, people started believing hip hop is dead. Umm, that is the problem with these zombified faggits we call "listeners and fans". People started doing some stupid dance and were quick to "superman that ho", it started growing. I dunno who the fuck this guy is, but this pretty much explains my response to that. You fucking faggit ass mainstream bitches are buying to this bullshit. The fucking DJ's on the radio stations are being programmed like fucking robots. Hip hop has become a fucking industry. I don't agree with some of the things that this guy says, for instance:

1. Don't encourage Soulja Boy.

2. Don't blame Run D.M.C. and LL Cool J. Well maybe "I Need Love" L but not "Mama Said Knock You Out" L and DEFINITELY not "Rock The Bells" L.

3. Don't down Ice-T so much. He was just tryna expose that fuckin poser.

Agh. In other news, LOOK WHAT IS FINALLY COMING OUT!!!!!!!

So many fucking Tupac movies, it is about fucking time. I am going to see it on opening day. They shoulda picked a different guy. Biggie was uglier and had a cock eye. Oh and fatter. And I hope that isn't the guy that plays Tupac, cuz he looks nothin like him. And I hope they don't make Pac look like a bad guy in this movie cuz the bad guy was Suge Knight. Pac was already dead so it couldn't have been Pac that shot him. Well we shall see on January 16th.

I almost forgot to say what's been goin in my life. I saw that Soulja boy shit and I had to post it right away. Well I got laid off by Westgate, I think I mentioned it. So I been struggling a lil. But I got an interview tommorrow for Burger King. Ugh another fast food. I can choose between that or a job delivering tiles. Imma go on the interview and see which pays more. Besides that, just livin life one day at a time. Trying to keep a smile on my face. Metallica's new cd is the shiznit. We all know how "St. Anger" was a big dissappointment. Well they got back together with Rick Rubin, and by lord if you don't know Rick Rubin, then erase any memory of Run D.M.C., LL Cool J, The Beastie Boys, and any other old school Def Jam artist you may know. Rubin is famous for bring artists back to their old sound. He did it here. Peep.

Btw. A certain someone left me hangin sooooo bad. She pretty much lynched me. Yeah a specific Q-Tip concert that I wanted to go to. I was waiting in Lakeside park for her. Yeah. Haven't heard an I'm sorry or nothin. But she can make it up to me. A little birdy told me John Legend is coming to town. If she'll let me take her, all will be forgiven. =]

peace, love, and nappiness.

A melancholy town where we never smile.

I have attempted to blog but I never got to finish them. Now that I look at the drafts, and thank [god] I didn't. They were all me moping about my tragic ass life. The last one was a cry for help. It didn't go through so I cried for help to the only person that seems to keep me sane. On Thanksgiving day, I was all by my lonesome. My ex who I moved in with, who I never really broke up with, left my ass on that very day. So I went on to a turkey-less Thanksgiving. Not even a family to share it with. (They were in Atlanta) I had some McDonalds and some 7-11 tacquitos. When she left, I did what I always did when I get angry. I threw shit and punched shit in my room. Then I realized that I would have to clean it up. So I walked and walked and walked and walked and walked till I ended up at my roomates job. He wasn't there so I attempted to contact Amy. I asked her for some mental support, hoping she'd respond cuz if not, I'd go crazy in solitude. She did. I told her thanks after we spoke and had my mind set on drinkin' and or smokin' my problems away. I stayed sober and called it a night. The next morning I woke up happy as can fuckin be for some odd reason. (Even though Maria left me hangin' that night for the Q- Tip concert) I began to think I was going crazy. But then I realized what had happened. I bottled up all the bullshit. I've been filling that bottle the last couple of years and pretty soon I won't be able to put the lid back on and the shit's gunna spill. It still feels like sanity has slipped from my grip and I haven't realized it yet. I digress. I've seen a light and I'm going towards it. No, not the kind like when you die. The kind that actually brightens days up. Well I can't make up exactly what it is, but I'm going towards it. I got my liscense reinstated and I've already started saving up money, so for now I'm gunna keep on keepin on. Payin off these court fees and saving up for a car. By the way, they terminated my juvenile probation. I've only got my adult probation to worry about and that's just a mail in thing. 50 bucks a month and a lil bit of community service. Life ain't lookin so bad. Alls' I wanna do is enjoys it.

Hip hop's funeral took place at the awards. Kanye sucks. So does Lil Wayne and any other fuckhead that is still out there trying to rap. I bet Nas wasn't even nominated. FTW!! I've started listening to rock. And not that Nickelback pussy shit. Rock. Where the guitarist's don't need a synthesizer to make their shit sound nice. Even rock is catching the "factory-made" virus that hip hop has caught. Anyway, metal, aggro, or just classic rock n' roll. I've grown fond of Metallica especially. Please, if you've never entered sandman, you got issues.

Interesting rock history. You know the South Park theme?

Well, the guy singing the song and playing the guitar is based off of an actual person. Les Claypool. At one point in time, Metallica's bass guitarist died and they were auditioning for a new one. Les auditioned and he didn't get the job but it wasn't because he wasn't good enough. Les has so much talent, it amazes me how not even some rockers don't know this guy. Dudes from Metallica told him that he was the best they had seen. Metallica pretty much told him that it would be a waste of his time if he was to join them. They told him that he needed to start his own band because they would just be holding him back. So he did. Hooked up with Larry LaLonde (guitar) and Tim Alexander (drums) and started Primus. Now Les wouldn't have fit with Metallica cuz they are, well, a metal band. That's aint really Les. He's like a funk metal. Man he is the shit. Peep this song. Please and I mean oh please, check out his bass guitar solo. Noone can do it like that. The vocals are pretty distinct and funky but I can dig it.

I would put the original video, but Universal Music group doesn't allow embedding on their vids. It's called "Tommy the Cat". Really good song. Very distinct sound and creative. This guy is a genius with a bass guitar.

So chea. Hip hop is dead and all we have now is the memories of when it was alive and well. Check my MySpace song. Joe Budden does a perfect job of listing all the reasons where it might of died. I'll post up the song and some nice quotables later.

Reasons why rock is easier to listen to:

1. You NEVER hear the same sound over again. Rockers play their instruments. They don't sample or steal lyrics. It's not done. Never has been. EVERY SONG IS ORIGINAL IDEAS.

2. It's ok to like any band. It's not like if you like Tupac then Biggie doesn't appeal to you. Or if you like Jay-Z then you can't listen to Nas.

3. Their isn't any negativity labeled on it. Rap has a "gangsta" label. It's sad but it does.

There's alot more, but need I list them? Naaaah. I will be blogging more often a-gain. And not about my misery.

Peace, love, and nappiness.

Although it seems heaven sent, we ain't ready to have a black president..

Well well well.. I've run into you again my listener with no ears. I have alot to say this time. Things have beeen runnin through my mind that have made me want to check myself in to a mental institute. Well first off, I am officially a registered voter. Now I'm still kind of borderline on who I am going to vote for even though it is one day away. I was thinkin Obama but now he is talking about taxing small businesses which will directly effect me because I work for a small business. I do like the fact that he is going to take people off welfare and bring them into jobs but if he is taxing small businesses, he will have less jobs to put them in. Oh and I dont know what Bush is trying to do before he goes, but he finnally is doing something. Gas went down at least two bucks in the past month. It's amazing. I'm still gonna personally help Bush pack his shit, but touche George. Thing is.. Mcain wants to keep Bush's shit going, and as far as oil it's an ok thing but economically we are waaaay too fucked for it. Which is why I am still leaning towards Obama. He also wants to tax those who make more than 250k a year 50%. Which is not messing me up but the upper class will be feeling it. Still though, If I was making half of that I would not give two fucks. Now I see why the rappers and celebrities support him so much. Share the wealth. In a wierd way, it kinda makes me feel like a communist for agreeing with that. W/e.




In other news, I moved out my mom's house. I moved in with roomates into a 5 bedroom house. My ex is living with me and I would have loved it to be on a relationship status but I can't. She's changed and I dont like what she's become. Reminds me of me when I was younger and that life got me nowhere but shot at, beat up, or in jail. She used to be the one that told me to stop smokin cigs and weed. Now she's always buggin me for one. That's the ugly side of change, I guess.




Now you might be thinkin, "This guy seems to be doing good. What in the blue hell is driving him so crazy in the head?" Well interestingly enough, I was reading Maria's bloggie (http://mariabonita09.blogspot.com) and she talked about how people always focus on money and that's what's important to them. I'mm sitting there like, "Girl if you only knew." This economy must be bending over for the white house cuz they've fucked it. I jave two jobs and I only get about 1400 a month. Ladies and gents, let's go to math class a gain. After taxes it's about 1200. 400 goes to rent. The first light bill hasn't come and I have to split that between five people. 50 to probation A. 30 to probation B. 25 to court costs. 60 to phone bill. which leaves me at like 500 something maybe 600 to play with for the month. Now, I don't have a car so I gotta take public transportation. 4 dollars a day. Times 30. And then I gotta eat. Lord knows how much I spend on that. And then I have unfortunately become a heavy smoker. I go through a pack a day. Well anyway, there's more expenses that I haven't even calculated, but you pretty much get the picture. What have I done to solve my problem? Started pushing reef. There is nooooooooo reef on the pavement. There's a bigger drought than Lil Wayne mixtapes. I get a zip and I double my profit in two fuckin nights. So I pretty much maintain two jobs to be flat broke. My ex is supposed to start her job tommorrow so maybe that will make things better cuz then rent is only 200 a month. The money I make from green, I save up in a savings account. Now this isn't what scares me. I was warned that this is life after high school and especially without a high school diploma. What scares me is this. Every day I got to work in the morning, Get out at 3 and go to work again at 5 to come out at 10, 11, even 12. for 12 to 14 hours a day, I am workin. And then i come home and sleep. I'm trapped in the system already and I am only 18. I cant ask my mom for help cuz she is broke her damn self. She just moved into a new house so that can really fuck with someone's money. Still, I can't believe I have turn into a "zombie". I say zombie cuz of Nas's song "Black Zombies". I used to listen to it and think to myself, :I don't wanna be a zombie. Now I listen to it and I feel like he's talkin bout me. Listen to it. You'll see what I mean. I then realized that I am a young mahfucka. I have seen what I have become early in my life and still have time to change this. First step is highschool diploma. NOT ged. HSD mofos.




Oh and I know it's mad late but the concert was pretty bangin. The first band was lame. N.E.R.D. pissed me off. Common was the shit of course. Two moments that stood out for me. First was when he performed "The People". The beat dropped at "Can't leave rap alone, the game needs me!" He performed that shit pretty nice. He is actually pretty awesome on stage. Then he started performing a song which the beat sounded awfully familiar to Nas' "New York State of Mind". And I'm like hmm. Then I heard,

Rappers I monkey flip em

With the funky rythm

I be kickin, musician inflict the composition of pain

I'm like scarface sniffin cocaine

Holdin an M-16

See with the pen I'm extreme

Bullet holes left in my peep holes

I'm suited up with street clothes

Hand me a 9 and I'll defeat foes

Ya'll know my steelo, with or without the air play

I keep some E & J sittin bent up in the stairway

Or either on the corner bettin Grants with the cee lo champs

Laughin at baseheads tryin to sell some broken amps

G packs get off quick, forever niggas talk shit

Reminiscing about the last time the task force flipped

Niggas be runnin through the block shootin

Time to start the revolution, catch a body, head for Houston

Once they caught us off guard, the mac 10 was in the grass and

I ran like a cheetah with thoughts of an assassin

Pick the mac up, told brothers, "back up," the mac spit

Lead was hittin niggaz one ran, I made him backflip

Heard a few chicks scream, my arm shook, couldn't look

Gave another squeeze, heard it click yo, my shit is stuck

Try to cock it, it wouldn't shoot now I'm in danger

Finally pulled it back and saw three bullets caught up in the chamber

So now I'm jetting to the building lobby

and it was filled with children probably couldn't see as high as I be

(So whatchu sayin?) It's like the game ain't the same

Got younger niggaz pullin the triggers bringing fame to they name

and claim some corners, crews without guns are goners

In broad daylight, stickup kids, they run up on us

Fo'-fives and gauges, macs in fact

Same niggaz'll catch a back to back, snatchin yo' cracks in black

There was a snitch on the block gettin niggaz knocked

So hold your stash until the coke price drop

I know this crackhead, who said she gotta smoke nice rock

And if it's good she'll bring ya customers in measuring pots, but yo

You gotta slide on a vacation

Inside information keeps large niggaz erasin and they wives basin

It drops deep as it does in my breath

I never sleep, cause sleep is the cousin of death

Beyond the walls of intelligence, life is defined

I think of crime when I'm in a New York state of mind

I also met a really good customer there. Everyone was pullin out L's. So I pulled out mines. Advertisement baby. Some girl saw what I had and said that she absolutely had to get my number. I saw a big dollar sign over her forehead.

Money doesn't buy happiness, but neither does being broke.

Well, let's see what happens tommorrow.

Got to be somethin' for me to write this..

Shiiiiit. Been a while since I touched this but a nigga been busy as a mahfucka on mother's day. Alot of shit been happening, but barely any of it bad. Tomorrow is my court date and I'm sure if they piss test me I'm gunna come up dirty. It takes 30 days for weed to get out your system. Bleh. Whatever, I've officially decided to stop talkin bout my weed habits on my blog. Reason being is because, well.. remember when I blogged and was talkin about emotions and controllin em? Well apparently there's a kind of book on that. It's called "The Secret" by "Some Bitch". It's supposed to be the secret to life and everything. Well apparently that secret is the law of attraction. As you know, the law of attraction states that like will only attract like. So what they are trying to get at is your thoughts will attract exactly what your thinkin about. It's like your mind is a T.V. station tower. Whatever you tune into is what your gunna get. Follow? So if all you think is positive thoughts, your only gonna get positive things. That's why when you think about certain shit, like bad feelings, they only get worse. Like that rage I was telling you about. I saw one of the guys that jumped me at my court date. He wouldn't even look me in the eye. I wanted to jump past the bailiff and fuck his ass up, but thats a whole other charge that I can't afford to catch right now. Point is, I keep thinkin about it and it only gets worse. Your mind doesn't understand negatives. For example, if you keep thinkin "I don't want these shoes to hurt" or somethin like that, the only thing that's makin it to the mind is hurting shoes. So for shit like that, it's best to just NOT think about. Think about what you WANT, not what you DON'T WANT, cuz the message won't go through. I'm sure my readers know what (who) I want. I must not be doing it right, cuz I think about her all the time. Then again, that's the only thing I been doing about it.

Well in other news, I registered to vote. I have NO FUCKING CLUE as to who Imma vote for yet so don't ask me. I'm not gonna vote for Obama just because it's what everyone else feels is right and I'm not gunna be an asshole and vote for McBitch over there. I'm gunna watch the debate when I get the chance and do my research and decide based on who I think has the best chance of steering the country back in the right direction. Cuz man this economy is fucked. I'm sittin right now at home and if my manager calls me right now I'm gunna shit my pants. My mom called and said they were firing people in my department today. Today is my day off so he has no reason to call me unless he is gunna fire me. They fired 200 people from Westgate yesterday. In ONE day. And all the big heads and well payed people got paycuts. Ain't that some shit. I don't care about Pollo Tropical but I need that Westgate job. I get benefits, perks, and it's an easy ass job.

Gettin my own place soon. VERY soon. Like 2 weeks soon. Then once I fix my shit with my liscence, Imma get me a car. In the mean time, Imma save up my money and enjoy some of it while I can. Fuck it. Just enjpy life to the fullest cuz no one knows when your lifetime is full.

At times when I'm lost I try to find you

You know to give me space when it's time to

My heart's dictionary defines you

Whatever inspires him to write stuff like this, I want it. Hopefully I don't get locked up before the concert. =[